Charles DeVeaux

Social Theorist | Cultural Creative

Writing, producing, and facilitating at the convergence of love, modernity, and humanism.

Was It Good For You? [the battle for sex & intimacy]

[ I didn't want to talk about sex here primarily because everyone, I mean EVERYONE else does. I think people put too much of the wrong emphasis on it.  Sex is important but the popular viewpoint encourages people to value the sex pot girl or guy friend before they value someone who'll treat them well and care for them beyond the days they are able to have sex.  But that's why I AM discussing it.  As usual, there's more to life than meets the eye.]

Sex Everyone wants good sex.  For sex to be really good or fulfilling, it must be like anything else worthwhile. It must be practiced. Here's why that gets tricky.

Both men and women have need and desire for sex. It's how we are constructed: for our parts to fit and for us to make connections, and possibly, eventually bear children. But truth be told, the physical connection of sex is just a representation, an outward manifestation of a more authentic connection of mind, heart, soul, spirit, or some kind of chemical attraction. This doesn't mean sex must always represent a deep connection. Certainly people have sex sometimes just to satisfy a physical need, but even that physical attraction needs to become more if it's going to occur more than once or twice.  After all, in most cases, none of us are having sex with someone we're averse to, right?  Gee, I hope not.

The Need for Practice By definition, practice is an habitual or customary performance, or systematic exercise, for the purpose of acquiring proficiency.  First, for sex to be practiced regularly it must be made safe.  But what is the real practice going on here?  It's the practice of communication, of connection, and of giving yourself enough time to understand yourself as an intimate being.  It's more than performing like an athletic, physical, bedroom phenom.  Don't get me wrong, that's fun stuff!  But there's a point just past physical prowess, manual manipulation, or sexual mechanics.

How Much Time You Got? To intimately understand yourself and your partner takes time. Although it is possible, it doesn't make sense to practice sex with a whole bunch of people.  If you constantly switch partners you would have to practice sex VERY OFTEN to REALLY learn about yourself. And I mean "often," like in terms of a dance class, or a work out regimen, a hobby, or anything else you want to learn. That means at least 3 times a week. Who else can safely and consistently do this other than couples? For singles to do it means to have a multitude of partners. That might have been part of the idea behind "casual sex" or the sexual revolution, but it is absolutely inconsistent for every person to practice that way.  It takes time to get to know or trust someone to be able to do it well more than just once or twice.

Don't act like you don't know what I'm saying. While there are a good number of folks out there who are open-minded, understand themselves, have sex often, and please their partners, (and each of us would like to think we are always that person) the far majority of us who are trying to have sex often as singles are involved in a crap shoot. Some good lovers, some awful. You've heard all the same stories I have.  Shoot.  Some of us are happy to get it however we can!  And when we do it this way, as a sexy single, let's be honest, we're not getting experienced in understanding intimacy, we're getting experienced at screwing.  Just sex. It doesn't help us to get a clear idea of intimacy, or to mature in the way of human emotion. We won't be accountable to learning the nuances that equip us to handle a relationship.

And so, for those of us able to support ourselves responsibly, that's the case for the "friend with benefits," the "buddy," the "lover," or an actual mate, which is truly what most people are looking for anyway, right?  We occasionally need a study partner.  We gotta have someone we can attend "class" with often and with improving results, which can hopefully lead to something longterm & meaningful.  Getting to understand intimacy is challenging enough, not to mention trying to cut through all the hang-ups created by years of conditioning, bad past experiences, or ideologies that teach sex is bad/taboo outside of child-bearing.  And if you can't find a study partner, practice by yourself.  Yeah, I said it.

Holler Back While we're at it, let's appreciate that men and women probably view sex and intimacy in two different ways. Am I right? Let me know what you think. Do men and women view sex and intimacy differently? Are they of equal importance? On most days, do you want to take one and leave the other? You hear a lot about women who are sexually dissatisfied, do men feel the same? Why? How important is the real emotional connection for men or women? Do men or women try to portray themselves as something they are not, just to have sex? Are men and women reluctant in revealing themselves to allow real intimacy?

Make room for more.