Charles DeVeaux

Social Theorist | Cultural Creative

Writing, producing, and facilitating works & conversations about love, modernity, and humanity.

Filtering by Tag: vlog

Your #1 Most Valued Trait in a Relationship

While preparing to take a business trip out west, a friend of mine decided to ask his girlfriend along, and surprise her with an engagement ring.  He took her to one of the National Parks.  In that park is a mountain called Angel's Peak.  He told me it's one of the most beautiful places he's ever seen.

"Man! That's amazing," I said.  You wanted to take your angel to Angel's Peak and  share the most beautiful place you've been with most beautiful person in your life.

"Well, not really," he said.  "This mountain has been here thousands of years, and will most likely still be here long after we're gone.  I wanted to propose to her in a place that represented "Permanence."

I thought that was one of the greatest things I'd ever heard!  Let's look at a mountain.  It represents ideas like strength, protection, reliability.  These aren't qualities my friend picked up recently.  He's been practicing them a while.  When we were young, his parents split up.  As a result he had moved around the country a couple of times.  I've had other friends who've moved away and we've never stayed in touch.  But he has maintained contact with all his friends all the while, no matter where they are.  And he's always willing to help, when you need him.  He wanted to create examples of permanence in his life.

Everyone is looking for permanence, right?  It can be tough in a society that has a short-term, disposable attitude toward everything.  But my friend, despite challenges, is saying, "I'm here.  I ain't going anywhere."  He can say that because he's worked at it.  And because he's worked at it, he knows what he's looking for.  It took a little time for him to find it, but it was worth it.  It can take us all a little time to find what we're looking for.  It's okay, though, because it gives us time to practice.  And that's fantastic!

LIfe gives all of us a bunch of challenges.  We can let the hardships break us, or we can summon the qualities that help us adapt, be stronger, and even change the cycle of our lives.  For my friend, that meant imparting some of the permanence he desired.

What does this mean for you?  What are some qualities you value in a relationship?  Could you name 3 of them; or maybe there's one you're working on the most, and wouldn't mind sharing in the comment section below.  Go ahead.  Claim it.

Make room for more.

Redefining Your Wedding Ring

I'm back, this time with vlogs.  Check out the latest, video player of your choice, plus transcript below if you can't play video:

LoveRules episode 1 - Redefining Your Wedding Ring from Charles De Veaux on Vimeo.

 

Many people are questioning the value of marriage these days.  And I get it.  They’re concerned about the divorce rates.  They’re concerned about the things that cause divorce rates.  Staying in love longterm.  Fidelity.  Finances.  Fears.  But what about connection?

Here’s a LoveRules definition: Marriage is not what you do, it’s what happens.  Don’t worry about society’s baggage.  With values and trust aligned, two people in love can’t be separated.  But Love isn’t as cerebral as we think, either.  It’s a chemical attraction and it’s the result of attracting the qualities you exude the most.  There’s a real chemical connection.  They enjoy each other’s company and are inseparable.  This process happens naturally, so don’t let fear erode your growth toward love and connection.  Time is too precious.

My wife and I use an analogy to describe life.  Your path in life is represented by a circle.  As you move along your life path you are drawn to other people moving along their paths.  Your paths might intersect just for a moment or run parallel for years. Or they might also overlap for a long time.  This is an example of connection, union, marriage; and this will happen regardless of rings, weddings, and witnesses.  Let’s get past the titles and old definitions for a second and be honest. Despite the scrutinizing eye of society, people will connect, or be in love, or have sex, or move in together, at various points in their lives, right?  Just be smart about what’s keeping you together.  If you’re about to have a wedding ONLY to satisfy your families or because you’re afraid you might not have another partner in life, then think again.  Where’s the real connection?  Remember, marriage is not what you do (have a wedding), it’s what happens.

And when you do have a real connection, don’t let negative concerns and stress keep you from enjoying your lives together.  Each moment is precious and we don’t know how many moments we get with our loved one, so live them fully.

Now.  Rings.  Rings are only decorative and symbolic, with no meaning of their own.  These little circles only have value when they reflect the bigger circles of our lives.  On our lives’ paths, are we loving our partners, encouraging each other, empowering each other, uplifting each other?  If, daily, that’s what’s happening, then that’s marriage.  I know, it’s hard not to be impressed by diamonds and gem stones.  But forget the rock.  What’s it worth if 72-days later one person is giving it back or the other person is pissed off for having bought it.  Forget the rock.  Let the foundation of your relationship be your rock.   You know, with the right person, even one of those little candy lifesaver rings will do, and that’s a fact.  Ain’t life sweet?  How simple it can be.

So, work on what moves YOU along the path of your life.   You’ll be surprised whose path you’ll cross.  Your connections will be deeper and more meaningful.  And this marriage idea will be a whole lot easier.  Make room for more.