Charles DeVeaux

Social Theorist | Cultural Creative

Writing, producing, and facilitating works & conversations about love, modernity, and humanity.

Filtering by Tag: possibility

Part 3. LoveRules #9 - Love, Self-Defined

Here we are with part 3 of LoveRules #9.  Have you found it funny that I haven't covered LoveRules #2-8 yet?  Remember, these aren't levels or steps, but more like principles and phases.  Besides, what the spirit or "trend" of the moment asks for, is what I share. So let's talk about how we define our loves.  What's important to us?  What does that important stuff look like, really?  Oh, but wait.  The trend was that everyone was talking about a certain woman celebrity, and being influenced by the abrupt ending of her ruse of a marriage.  It had everyone in knots, demanding marriage to prove to us that it is still worthwhile in 2011. While it created some good conversations about marriage, I think it's important to remember that we don't really know why this "celebrity" decided to get married in the first place. [On The Table of Truth Podcast, you might have heard me say, "marriage is what happens, it's not what you do." That's from LoveRules #7 - What is Love?  More on that later.]  Also, we don't know her definitions of love.  I can tell you this. She came to media prominence via sex tape.  Media stunt. Ruse. I'm not judging, but neither am I losing sleep over her actions.  I thought the following was the greatest quote I saw on Twitter last week:

"Kim K made a huge profit on her nuptials, then dumped the stock early and brought down the value of marriage. #occupykimkadashian."

Sad, but true.  But who knows? Maybe she is having a tough time shaping her definition of love, too. Or maybe she's just not ready for love, right now.  It's all good.  She's famous, but she's human.  If you know her, go ahead and share LoveRules with her.  She'll thank you.  ;)

To be continued...

LoveRules #9 - Love, Self-Defined. Part 2

LoveRules #9 is all about defining the love you seek. Today, we are continuing from Part 1. The love you want cannot be what others want.  It might have some things that are similar to others but YOUR love must be self-defined.  And if you have ever held any doubts that what you are looking for truly exists, then read on. The internet is an amazing tool.  As most of you might have long noticed, you can find just about any and everything online.  Discussions, answers, people, services, products. What is a turn-on for women, or men?  Why is the sky blue?  Where can I find a notary public? Have you ever heard of a green rabbit?  Where can I find a last-minute costume for a Halloween party?

So much information is on the internet already; and if it's not there yet, it will be posted up there very soon.  All of our current conditions and concerns get shared directly online now. But know this. While it helps us to be in touch with more people faster, the internet is not really connecting us. Rather, it is showing us we were connected all along.  I like to record instances that demonstrate how life is interconnected, that people are interconnected.  I like notating personal examples where life moved as I needed it to move, presented me with the solutions I was looking for.  I see that life is ordered.  Recording these things from day-to-day helps me not lose sight that anything is possible.  So here, like in Part One, I have another example illustrating how what we think or imagine about love's possibilities can be more than idle daydreaming or fantasy. It can be real.  Don't give up on the love you want for yourself.

Back to the internet.  Recently, I happened upon an interesting write-up by Robin Shamburg on Truthdig. She was reviewing a book about human desire and sexuality called "A Billion Wicked Thoughts" by Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam.  The book shares observations of data gathered from what people search for on the internet.  [Those who read my post "Was It Good For You?" should at least check out the article, if not the book.] But here was Robin's closing paragraph:

"Ultimately, Ogas and Gaddam’s ambitious and thought-provoking book delivers a message of hope. If there’s one thing their exhaustive research reveals, it is this: No matter who you are, slender or obese, young or old, there is a group of people out there who will find you attractive. All you have to do is go online. And for a person who is looking for instant gratification—no matter how exotic or debased—the news is just as good. For this, the authors cite what has become known as Internet Rule No. 34: If you can imagine it, it exists as Internet porn."

Looks like someone else is outlining some rules, too! But you get my point.  And shit, if it's online, it can also be found in real life, right?!  And obviously it doesn't have to be porn.

Are you going to wait around for the computer to show you everything about your own life?  Keep believing. Keep knowing.  If you can define it, you can find it.  Define the love you want!  Put some energy into it!  I have some more tips coming in the part 3 of LoveRules #9.

Make room for more.

LoveRules #9 - Love, Self-Defined. Part 1

I know we all get discouraged or distracted when it comes to love, but we have to keep our minds open to what we want, then, know that we can find it.  The love possibilities we desire for our lives are endless. To create what we are looking for, we have to define what we want love to be like, and know that possibility exists. Don't think so? Need a reminder? Here's some proof. Just about anything that has crossed your mind has crossed someone else's mind.

Questions you ask have most likely been asked by someone else.  Truly, the internet is the visual, digital representation of an old concept called the mental reservoir.  If you've never heard of it, the mental reservoir concept says that thoughts are things, and once they are produced, they are kind of like radio waves traveling in space until they are absorbed or retrieved.  All these thoughts and ideas exist for all time in a place where everyone can access them. The original iCloud.  This philosophical explanation hinted at why people in different places, with different experiences might arrive at the same ideas.  It illustrated that no one owned the realm of ideas, and if a good idea occurred to you, you should move quickly on it and put it to use. Thoughts that had been projected out, could be attracted at any time by the minds of people ready to understand them.  Similar to an internet download.

Why do I share this?  If you have read my feature on BetsyIce from last week, you know that at some point I realized how probable it was to meet a loving match for my life, despite my past break-ups and heart aches.  Maybe some of you come to this realization by understanding statistical probability. But math was never my best subject.  After feeling lonely for quite some time, I took steps to examine and embrace my loneliness.  Through that experience I realized we are not alone, none of us.  The thoughts I have, someone else has.  The feelings I have, someone else shares. The concerns that keep me awake at night are also concerns of many others.  This is the human experience.  So then, why not the qualities I value?  What about the lifestyle I desire?  Why not the goals to which I aspire? Why not the talents I want to share?  Why not the kind of love I seek?!  Certainly there is someone who feels the same!  My complement!

Now, check this out.  Here is something my friend BetsyIce wrote so honestly a couple of years ago, feeling down and lovelorn: "For the first time in my life that I can remember, I’ve given up on love. Just absolutely positively don’t believe in it.  ... [I feel like] I’m in a gym class getting ready to play dodge ball and the team captains have been chosen. I’m hoping and praying that I won’t get picked last. It’s down to me and another kid – the one that wears glasses and has one leg shorter than the other. “Please pick me,” I silently pray. I don’t want to be last but my name isn’t even called. The short leg kid is called to a team and I, fat kid, walked over sullenly to a team that doesn’t want me. Who is that team? Love. Team love. Team love doesn’t want me. ... Today, my spirit lost. Got knocked in the head with the damn dodge ball!! On a better day, I want MY team captain to want me on his team. I want him to hope and pray that he wins the coin toss so he can choose me first. And only me."

I thought her post was amazing!  We all know this feeling.  It sucks.  I have another friend, let's call him Tim, who works in the sports industry. He had the same unrequited love feelings as BetsyIce; so much, that it was an ongoing joke for him, always saying he was looking for a young woman to hire as his "Assistant Coach."  Well, one day Tim found his Assistant Coach. She wrote him a cute letter accepting the position.  Notice the language. I bet some of you reading this have used the same metaphor. [Actual letter posted here.]

Listen. Love & relationships are contact sports.  In the field of play, we often find ourselves fumbling the ball or scrambling to pick it up and keep it in bounds.  We get fouled hard in the melee and feel a bit injured.  We want to throw the ball down, curse, and quit the game. Try to remember, most of those fouls are not intentional.  It's just part of the emotional nature of the game.  Don't get discouraged.  Be a good sport, get your gear back on and give it another shot.  Keep your eye on the ball by keeping what you desire in mind. Each experience helps you refine that image, that future possibility, and be prepared to handle it.  What we want is possible, it exists. Just don't quit.  Like all things, it gets clearer as you go.  And you are not alone! Define your love. Someone out there wants to play this love game the exact same way you do!  And for what it's worth, it helps to know some additional little rules to play your best game.  LoveRules.  Make room for more.