Charles DeVeaux

Social Theorist | Cultural Creative

Writing, producing, and facilitating works & conversations about love, modernity, and humanity.

LoveRules #9 - Love, Self-Defined. Part 1

I know we all get discouraged or distracted when it comes to love, but we have to keep our minds open to what we want, then, know that we can find it.  The love possibilities we desire for our lives are endless. To create what we are looking for, we have to define what we want love to be like, and know that possibility exists. Don't think so? Need a reminder? Here's some proof. Just about anything that has crossed your mind has crossed someone else's mind.

Questions you ask have most likely been asked by someone else.  Truly, the internet is the visual, digital representation of an old concept called the mental reservoir.  If you've never heard of it, the mental reservoir concept says that thoughts are things, and once they are produced, they are kind of like radio waves traveling in space until they are absorbed or retrieved.  All these thoughts and ideas exist for all time in a place where everyone can access them. The original iCloud.  This philosophical explanation hinted at why people in different places, with different experiences might arrive at the same ideas.  It illustrated that no one owned the realm of ideas, and if a good idea occurred to you, you should move quickly on it and put it to use. Thoughts that had been projected out, could be attracted at any time by the minds of people ready to understand them.  Similar to an internet download.

Why do I share this?  If you have read my feature on BetsyIce from last week, you know that at some point I realized how probable it was to meet a loving match for my life, despite my past break-ups and heart aches.  Maybe some of you come to this realization by understanding statistical probability. But math was never my best subject.  After feeling lonely for quite some time, I took steps to examine and embrace my loneliness.  Through that experience I realized we are not alone, none of us.  The thoughts I have, someone else has.  The feelings I have, someone else shares. The concerns that keep me awake at night are also concerns of many others.  This is the human experience.  So then, why not the qualities I value?  What about the lifestyle I desire?  Why not the goals to which I aspire? Why not the talents I want to share?  Why not the kind of love I seek?!  Certainly there is someone who feels the same!  My complement!

Now, check this out.  Here is something my friend BetsyIce wrote so honestly a couple of years ago, feeling down and lovelorn: "For the first time in my life that I can remember, I’ve given up on love. Just absolutely positively don’t believe in it.  ... [I feel like] I’m in a gym class getting ready to play dodge ball and the team captains have been chosen. I’m hoping and praying that I won’t get picked last. It’s down to me and another kid – the one that wears glasses and has one leg shorter than the other. “Please pick me,” I silently pray. I don’t want to be last but my name isn’t even called. The short leg kid is called to a team and I, fat kid, walked over sullenly to a team that doesn’t want me. Who is that team? Love. Team love. Team love doesn’t want me. ... Today, my spirit lost. Got knocked in the head with the damn dodge ball!! On a better day, I want MY team captain to want me on his team. I want him to hope and pray that he wins the coin toss so he can choose me first. And only me."

I thought her post was amazing!  We all know this feeling.  It sucks.  I have another friend, let's call him Tim, who works in the sports industry. He had the same unrequited love feelings as BetsyIce; so much, that it was an ongoing joke for him, always saying he was looking for a young woman to hire as his "Assistant Coach."  Well, one day Tim found his Assistant Coach. She wrote him a cute letter accepting the position.  Notice the language. I bet some of you reading this have used the same metaphor. [Actual letter posted here.]

Listen. Love & relationships are contact sports.  In the field of play, we often find ourselves fumbling the ball or scrambling to pick it up and keep it in bounds.  We get fouled hard in the melee and feel a bit injured.  We want to throw the ball down, curse, and quit the game. Try to remember, most of those fouls are not intentional.  It's just part of the emotional nature of the game.  Don't get discouraged.  Be a good sport, get your gear back on and give it another shot.  Keep your eye on the ball by keeping what you desire in mind. Each experience helps you refine that image, that future possibility, and be prepared to handle it.  What we want is possible, it exists. Just don't quit.  Like all things, it gets clearer as you go.  And you are not alone! Define your love. Someone out there wants to play this love game the exact same way you do!  And for what it's worth, it helps to know some additional little rules to play your best game.  LoveRules.  Make room for more.