Charles DeVeaux

Social Theorist | Cultural Creative

Writing, producing, and facilitating works & conversations about love, modernity, and humanity.

Let's Get Love Started

In the last few years, we have moved from war to war, and economy to economy. As our little world seems to have transitioned into a very new and strange present day with more people feeling uncertain about the future, people have increasingly began to prioritize what is most meaningful in their lives.  At the top of the list, creating good relationships which can become longterm relationships, are what folks are looking for.  At the same time, as I look from blog to blog, advertisement to advertisement, it seems more than ever that people are very interested in what is superficial.  By superficial I mean the material possessions that make us feel comfortable or the cosmetic qualities that turn us on... little finishing touches that make us look shiny and desirable.  And that's cool. Who doesn't want to be comfortable or look desirable?

The lessons and tips shared often range from what to do during dating, how to tell if someone is "into you," how to send signals to let someone know that you are "into them," all the step-by-step mechanics of dating or finding a partner.  While these pointers and practices are helpful [and pervasive] they don't always seem to get to the root of what individuals are looking for in terms of love and relationships.  It occurred to me we could be clearer in first addressing what people fundamentally want and that is:  Why are we pursuing love at all?  It's a HUGE question with HUGE answers.  I asked around and here are just a couple answers I got:

  • "For companionship through life."
  • "To rear a family."
  • "To have someone bear witness to your life, and you to theirs."  [I love that one]
  • "To love and be loved in return."  [another goodie]

All great answers.  But without the right understanding of what we are looking for, couldn't we find ourselves barking up the wrong tree?  I remember years ago, I heard renowned educator Stephen Covey describe the social & political steps professionals would perform to climb the corporate ladder as "only to realize once they had reached their top, that they had put their ladder on the wrong building."  In other words, "What the hell?!  This is not what I was looking for!" Is that same scenario possible in relationships?  I can tell you... most definitely yes!  In fact, you might have experienced this yourself.

Again, learning the cosmetic dating mechanics to get into relationships can be helpful but that can't be all.  What is more essential than that?  What's at the root?  Where should we begin?  Well, any problem to be solved must always begin with the "givens."  And when we are running solo, the only constant, given factor is ourselves.

Many of us...  Shoot!  ALL OF US, at some point want something that we ourselves are not willing to make an even exchange for.  We want to buy fine items for less.  When it comes to food, we definitely have an instant gratification mentality, speed over substance/sustenance.  Often, we are not even willing to be the kind of person each day that we would want to be around.  Oh yeah!  You have to observe yourself to see it.  You might think you are most patient and kind until you begin to take note of how you react to various challenges from day-to-day.  Huh..?  My bad!  Is that just me?  No, it's not.  It's you, too.

You want someone kind?  Be kind.  You want someone fun?  Learn to have fun.  You want someone trustworthy in your life?  Learn to trust yourself, your intuition, that is. Take a moment and think about it, then holler back.  Make room for more.