Charles DeVeaux

Social Theorist | Cultural Creative

Writing, producing, and facilitating works & conversations about love, modernity, and humanity.

Filtering by Category: Communication

LoveRules on Madame Noire's "Ask A Black Man"

Yours truly was selected to be on Madame Noire's new season of Ask A Black Man!  The series will begin next week, Monday, April 13th.  I'll be in Episode 1, so tune in early!

Here's the trailer below, but if you want to see even more of what Madame Noire has to offer, click here and follow along in your social media of choice.

Want to know how men feel about love & relationships? Fatherhood and more? We have answers! VISIT OUR SITE: Ask a Black Man is back with even more men and more real responses on everything from what they were taught about manhood to what they want to teach you in bed.

LoveRules at the Eric Garner Rally - Foley Square, NYC

After multiple cases of exonerating police who have committed blatant acts of misconduct, unchecked violence, and ultimately manslaughter and murder, I lent a voice to the efforts of awareness against systemic police brutality and the disproportionately wholesale criminalization of men of color.   Can you please do the same?

Things must change.  This doesn't call for a back and forth discourse in knee-jerk reactions or the projection of useless stereotypes and culturally controlling images.  It doesn't call for institutional racist apologetics, or conservative-bashing.  It requires an open minded and qualitative examination of the historical and current evidence in the spirit of coming together in understanding. 

When I hear sensationalist rhetoric that police brutality is somehow legitimized because 90% of all black murders are committed by black people, without the accompanying statistic that roughly 90% of all racial incidents are committed by people of their own race, it is clear that the non-nuanced view of statistics alone isn't any more appropriate than using a broad sword for delicate surgery.

Innocent until proven guilty, right?  The right to a fair trial?  We're clearly still working on the basics of democracy.  I have another well used NYC saying for you: If you see something, say something, right?  Well, we should all be able to see this now. Let's talk about it. 

Charity (Love) begins at home.  Let love rule.

Check out the full coverage here.

Pause, Listen, Echo, Address

Outside of being a closet writer since I was 18 years old, I have spent much of my life working in sales & marketing.  Primarily in sales: retail sales, corporate sales, even selling for my own independent consultancy. There is a technique that we use in sales, and quite frankly, we can never practice it enough because it is so easy to get caught up in the emotion of the moment and forget to use it.  We spend hours preparing for customers' objections by role-playing around this one idea. My wife and I have used it with success often.  Other times we have definitely forgotten to use it.  I was reminded of it the other day at work and thought to myself, "right, imagine if everyone role played in their relationships this way to be prepared."  The technique is to Pause, Listen, Echo, Address. When a customer (your partner, lover, spouse) has an objection, don't cut them off!  Otherwise you end up going tit-for-tat, back and forth arguing. That is ALWAYS a counterproductive, losing proposition. Your customer leaves the interaction feeling unheard, hurt, misunderstood, and dissatisfied.  Even if you are frustrated, PAUSE... and let them fully explain.

Continue to listen, no matter how pissed, ticked, confused, tired, disagreeable, or correct you think you are.  Don't pretend to listen as you prepare your rebuttal.  Sincerely hear what the other person is trying to say. LISTEN... to understand their real concern.

To show your customer you've been listening, and to confirm understanding, repeat to them what they explained.  ECHO back your understanding.

Finally, slowly, calmly explain to them what you understand their needs are and why you recommended the solution you did, and why you felt it would be best based on what they need.  Modify your solution here if need be to arrive at a win-win agreement.  ADDRESS their concern.

Imagine you took the time with you lover, partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse to set up this role play training.  Imagine agreeing, in advance, to go through this routine for every dispute, disagreement, misunderstanding, dissatisfaction. Every "who was supposed to do the dishes?" to "what bill was paid?" to "let's go to which restaurant?" and even including the tougher ones like "you went to meet up with your old who!?"

Truth is, every one of us will one day have needs or concerns that, for some reason, are not being met.  We can lose ourselves in the emotions of the moment, or we can agree to practice in a way that will give us win-win solutions most of the time.  Isn't your customer worth it?  PAUSE, LISTEN, ECHO, ADDRESS.

Hit me back.  Have you tried this before?  How many people do you think practice this regularly?  Did it ever not work or make things worse?  Do people practice this while dating, early in the relationship, or only after a long time together?  What else do you find works?  Make room for more.

LoveRules on The Table of Truth... coming soon!

Let me take this moment to thank The Table of Truth [TOT] for inviting me and LoveRules to be a guest on their weblog award nominated podcast.  The Table of Truth is an entertaining and eye-opening, candid, fly-on-the-wall show exposing the lives of young men in the perspective of four 30-something creative professionals named Pope, Cameron, Duane, and Anthony.  Their podcast answers the question many women curiously and quietly discuss amongst their friends:  What do guys casually think or talk about when we are not around? The fellas of Table of Truth dare to put all topics on display and create a conversation, all the while being themselves.  You can expect to hear me on the show within a couple of weeks.  Don't worry, believe me, I'll be the first to send you a reminder when the show broadcasts. While I'm at it, greetings to Anslem Samuel of weblog award-winning Naked With Socks On [NWSO] - a fellow guest sharing some insight on the upcoming podcast.  [Again, congrats, Anslem!]  Sorry folks, further information about the "congrats" will only be revealed in the upcoming show, so stay tuned!

Not EVER to be forgotten, thanks to Betsy Ice, [web pen name for memoir author & noted travel writer] the cool lady with the warm heart, who saw an opportunity for some good guys to get together and share some real talk, which will get some laughs and broaden the perspective of anyone tuning in to The Table of Truth in the following weeks.

Make room for more.